


the only home i find

by wooziya



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Insecure Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Jihoon has a car and they pine a lot in that car, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, Soft Boys, a lot of pining, mentioned!jeongcheol, mentioned!jicheol but it's fleeting okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 08:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wooziya/pseuds/wooziya
Summary: It was disquieting; the what ifs, the could bes, the sheer hope of it all. They kept him both awake and alive, drilling his mind into overdrive until the first light of dawn. Soonyoung was always complaining about the bruises under Jihoon's eyes, but what he didn’t know what that he was the very cause of them.





	the only home i find

**Author's Note:**

> songs i listened to while i wrote this that i suggest listening to as you read~ n_n:  
> \- vancouver sleep clinic: [living water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4V6GuCjdtrI1) (title came from this song!) | [somebody to stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNVZ4fzkSu8)  
> \- cigarettes after sex: [K](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sbDxR22z4)  
> \- halsey (<33): [drive](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oI-BsWbIg4)
> 
> \---  
> considering i've been tweeting about so many other fics i want to write, this one was a complete surprise and i have no idea where this came from...only that i wanted to write soonhoon in a car, talking about their feelings  
> i suck at summaries...but here it is! whatever this is....

Jihoon hadn’t been thinking straight when he’d picked up his phone and messaged Soonyoung to ask if they could meet. _Demand_ , more like, because he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Despite Soonyoung turning him down with excuses that he was busy (probably genuine, knowing him), Jihoon had persisted.

He had only been thinking that he was having one of _those_ days and wanted more than just his own silence and the leather seats of his car keeping him company.

It was easier back when Soonyoung’s eyes didn’t follow him across a room with that fire in them, easier back when Soonyoung’s fingers didn’t linger along Jihoon’s bare forearms whenever they were around each other, or back when Soonyoung didn’t purposely bump their shoulders together whenever they stood side by side.

It was easier when Jihoon didn’t have to deal with the demons of his own yearning, when he didn’t need to address the buzzing in his veins whenever Soonyoung was near.

 _God_ , Jihoon thought as he watched Soonyoung approach his car. He was wearing his usual hoodie and jeans combo, hair ruffled as if it’d been sat under a hat the entire day.

It had been so, so much easier when oblivious and unattainable Seungcheol had been the subject of his attraction, way back when it didn’t matter to Jihoon at all if Seungcheol looked his way or not; just that the boy as a nice thing to look at, and Jihoon was good at simply observing.

Jihoon opened the passenger seat’s window. Soonyoung leaned down to pop his head in. “What did you want?” He asked.

“Didn’t say I wanted anything,” Jihoon coolly replied. “Get in.”

Soonyoung’s face was blank for a moment before he opened the door, but it quickly turned resigned when he settled into his seat. “I have a job, you know,” he said, but Jihoon knew he’d rather be anywhere else but stuck under a car trying to fix it.

He bit back a reply that probably would have made Soonyoung frown, something about other jobs in other cars. Instead, he turned the ignition on, revelling in the way his car came to life beneath him, and was fast on the road before Soonyoung could question him again.

Thankfully, the latter didn’t say anything. He was good at things like that – with Jihoon, he knew when to not ask. He was definitely better at it than Jeonghan and Mingyu were. And Jihoon had no answers for him that would have made sense, anyway. He just wanted to drive, and he wanted to do it with Soonyoung in the passenger seat.

They were quiet for a while. Soonyoung gazed out of his window with his head leaning back on the seat, fingers drumming atop his thighs. Ever so often, Jihoon’s eyes would linger on the gearstick for a few seconds just to admire them, built from years of dancing and squatting under cars.

The thought made the hair on the back of his neck rise. Gritting his teeth, he turned his attention back to the windshield. Soonyoung made him feel so vulnerable.

Jihoon was turning onto the motorway, going up a gear, when Soonyoung broke the silence.

“What’s bothering you?” He asked.

“Nothing’s bothering me,” Jihoon replied, the response automatic. He kept his eyes on the long stretch of road beyond them, but he could feel Soonyoung’s eyes slide to him. He wished it didn’t make his skin crawl with heat, but it did.

Soonyoung sighed. “You didn’t just drag me out of work to play Need for Speed, Jihoon.”

Jihoon thought he would rather stop existing than tell Soonyoung the truth, which was that he just wanted to see him, so he kept his mouth shut. The road was open and free now, and the sight of it calmed him. If he just kept his focus on it, the feelings wouldn’t spill out of him. He had to control them for now.

“I needed a break,” he exhaled. Well, it wasn’t a lie – private school was a bore, and studying for things that didn’t matter to him sucked even more. He excelled in the areas he wanted to (trouble, Soonyoung, music) but he had very little care for things outside of them. The only other thing he bothered with were his friends.

Soonyoung ran his fingers through his hair. Jihoon caught the movement in the corner of his eye, and his foot almost slipped off the gas. Soonyoung was wearing his earrings, all of them. Two of them on his earlobe, four others decorating the shell of his ear.

Jihoon wanted nothing more than to throw him out of the car. He stepped firmly on the gas, jaw clenching so hard he was sure it would break.

“Do you need to go back any time soon?” He asked Soonyoung, strangling his urge to look over at him.

Soonyoung eyed him, puzzled. "I can spare a few hours."

 

Jihoon drove them to a spot far from their stifling town, somewhere hidden beneath a canopy of overhanging trees off a road lit by a single lamppost.

He’d only ever been here once, back when he’d been disappointed by the sight of Seungcheol kissing Jeonghan. A memory he didn't want to relive because it embarrassed him still, but he couldn’t help but think of it now he was parked under the same spot he’d sulked at.

Quietly, he turned off the ignition and sat back in his seat. He turned his head to find Soonyoung’s torso angled towards him. His eyes were searching, and Jihoon’s breath caught in his throat.

“What are you looking at?” His voice was ragged. He hadn’t used it all day, save to tell one of his teachers to _fuck off_ after they gave him a detention slip for being late. It’s not that he intended on coming in late, it was an accident – he was a big fan of sleep.

The focus in Soonyoung’s eyes and the look on his face would’ve been unreadable to anyone else, but Jihoon knew what it meant. It was the way the other boy looked when he was thinking, considering something before speaking his thoughts aloud. Treading the waves before crashing into them.

“Spit it out,” Jihoon quietly said after a while, closing his eyes. He wanted to focus on Soonyoung’s breathing and the sound of him shuffling in his seat instead of thinking back to the pile of homework he had stacked on his desk. He was tired; he’d needed this drive.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days,” Soonyoung muttered.

Jihoon’s lips twitched, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile. “You can’t say much yourself.”

Soonyoung worked a lot. When he wasn’t in school or studying in the library, he was at the garage working part-time. Sometimes, on days when Jihoon would come to their one shared class early just to see him, Soonyoung would walk into the room with his uniform ruffled and oil stains on his trousers. At least once a week he’d sleep through lunch, faceplanting his sorry ham sandwich.

Jihoon hated it, but he would never say so. Soonyoung was proud of who he was and how hard he worked. He held one of the very few scholarships for their school and managed to keep it up. Jihoon respected this about him, but it didn’t mean he had to like watching the boy overwork himself.

“If you don’t sleep, you’ll die,” Jihoon deadpanned. He peeked one eye open to find Soonyoung rolling his eyes at him. “What? It’s true. You can’t keep your scholarship if you’re dead from working too hard for it.”

Soonyoung pulled his legs up onto the seat, folding them beneath him. Jihoon glowered at him but it was half-hearted. If it was anyone else, he’d kick them out of his car for ruining his seats. But then again, he realised, that wasn't true because he didn’t like sharing the front seats with any of their other friends.

“And what’s your excuse?” Soonyoung hummed, leaning his head on the seat.

Jihoon’s eyes were both open now, their gazes locked. He wanted to turn away, afraid his heart would spill onto his face, but he couldn’t. His words caught in his throat – if Soonyoung didn’t stop staring at him like that, he was going to explode.

 _You’re all I think about at night_ , he wanted to say.

“Busy playing games on my phone,” was what he said instead, because he couldn’t stomach facing the feelings they’ve been dancing around for months now.

Soonyoung nodded, his mouth quirking into a small smile. “Addict,” he muttered.

“Maybe,” Jihoon whispered, eyes drifting from Soonyoung’s eyes to his lips and back to his eyes again. What he would give to have the strength to lean in and kiss him, once and for all.

Silence was quick to envelope them. Neither spoke for a long time, even after an hour passed and the clock on the dashboard started flashing 5:00PM. They sat like this for a while, eyes caught in each other.

Then Soonyoung reached over the gearstick, his hand finding Jihoon’s. He held the back of it lightly, as if hesitant to go further. Warmth seeped into Jihoon’s skin, and his eyes followed the way Soonyoung turned his hand over, their palms pressing close together.

This was the most daring thing they’d done. The thrill was enough to send Jihoon’s heart into chaos; lightning flickered in his stomach and thunder shook his bones. He didn’t know what brought this on, but he welcomed it.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung said, voice quiet.

Jihoon swallowed the growing lump in his throat. “Yeah,” he exhaled, dragging his eyes from their joint hands to Soonyoung’s face.

 _God_ , he thought again. He wanted to worship Soonyoung like this, a sacred temple of a beautiful man in his car. Unruly black hair, a ragged face stained with grease stains old and new, lips dry but plump and completely testing Jihoon’s will.

Soonyoung considered him for a moment. A flash of a sad smile appeared on his face for a second. “What are we?”

Jihoon’s breath was shaky as he inhaled and exhaled and tried to compose himself. He pushed down one of his barriers and met Soonyoung’s dare, entwining their fingers together. He squeezed, took another look at Soonyoung’s yearning gaze, and closed his eyes, resting his head deeper into the seat.

“I don’t know,” he answered.

He didn’t want to think about it. The way their breaths would hitch whenever the other was near, or how Soonyoung's smile was enough to make him feel less tired, more alive. He didn't want to think about the implications of it all, afraid to cross the line.

Soonyoung was a dream. That was all he could ever be.

 

 

 

Jihoon had been one of Seungcheol’s mentees in first year. He’d been assigned to show Jihoon the ropes around school and give him advice whenever he’d needed it, but he’d done the next best thing instead and made him part of his own friendship group.

His crush on the older boy was only fleeting. One part admiration for Seungcheol’s talents (top student of his year and football captain), another part appreciation for the latter’s looks and personality. He was friendly and sociable, and always thought to include Jihoon in things. And he was attractive, no doubt. His ears were pierced and his legs looked nice in his football shorts, and the smile he had on him, gums showing and all, was phenomenal.

It was short-lived because of two things. One day, he’d found out Seungcheol was dating Jeonghan and Jihoon’s crush had suddenly felt incredibly stupid – he never pined, or so he liked to tell himself. And, on another day, Jeonghan had walked into the cafeteria with one of his mentees in tow and Jihoon found himself scowling because the boy had been frustratingly _handsome_.

“Soonyoung,” he’d introduced himself. His hair had been a wild shade of silver (which had definitely gotten him in trouble with the teachers the day after) and his cheeks had been so full and glowing.

Jihoon had stared at him – glowered, almost. “I don’t care,” he’d muttered, pushing away the urge to blush.

And to his surprise, Soonyoung hadn’t sniped at his attitude. Instead, he’d rolled his eyes and said, “nice to fucking meet you, too.”

That had been the beginning. Jihoon didn’t know when it had all began to change, the thought of it cliché and despicable, but he knew that from the moment he’d met Kwon Soonyoung, he was never going to be the same again.

 

 

 

He was definitely angrier, he thought, revving his engine up another gear.

It was Saturday evening and he was on his way to pick up Soonyoung from his shift at the garage. A week had passed since their last moment alone together in his car, and in that week nothing much had changed except for the dangerous course of Jihoon’s thoughts at night.

It was bad enough thoughts of Soonyoung kept him awake an extra hour most nights, Jihoon finding himself tracing back to his memories, trying to pinpoint the moment it’d all changed. But for the past few days now, he hadn’t been thinking about the past, but the future.

It was disquieting; the _what if_ s, the _could be_ s, the sheer hope of it all. They kept him both awake and alive, drilling his mind into overdrive until the first light of dawn. Soonyoung was always complaining about the bruises under Jihoon's eyes, but what he didn’t know what that he was the very cause of them.

Soonyoung made him angry in the most unreasonable way. He wasn’t angry at him directly – he could never be – but at what he represented. That Jihoon could be happy, if he just let someone in.

Jihoon was angry because he was the son of abandonment and the past nineteen years of his life had been spent being told he was never going to be good enough. He'd stopped listening along the way, of course. It stopped mattering what others thought when he was already so hard on himself. There was only so much he could take.

Private school had been his only escape, but even that changed when Soonyoung walked into his life. Now he was lost, caught in the chaos of longing and feeling undeserving of it.

With a heavy heart, he sped through the dirt roads. Soonyoung was a dream, but here he was running straight towards him.

Soonyoung was already ready, dressed out of his mechanic uniform and into his outfit of black hoodie and ripped jeans. He was devastatingly handsome with his hair all over the place. Jihoon wanted to run his fingers through it, but he also wanted to run Soonyoung over with his car.

“You get any work done?” Soonyoung asked the moment he was buckled in.

Jihoon locked the doors and began driving away. “No,” he replied, not wanting to confess that he’d spend the entire day thinking about Soonyoung.

“Slacker,” Soonyoung mumbled under his breath, and Jihoon smiled.

He took them to the same place. The lamppost was already alight, the overhanging branches were still swaying with the wind. Soonyoung undid his seatbelt when Jihoon turned off the ignition, and the latter pushed his seat back so they were level with each other.

Soonyoung laid back on the headrest, his fingers seeking Jihoon’s hand.

Jihoon let go of the gearstick, at first hesitant. But then Soonyoung’s finger trailed a line down the back of his hand, and he gave in. Their fingers entwined easily, as if they’d always been doing this.

And, in a way, Jihoon thought, they had been. Close calls with brushing hands and sneaking glances, as if seeking each other out was just a thing of muscle memory.

He sighed, contented despite himself.

“You still not getting any sleep? You look like hell.” Soonyoung frowned.

Jihoon cocked his eyebrow. “What do you think?”

Shaking his head, the other scoffed. “You’re terrible.”

“Hypocrite,” Jihoon whispered.

“What keeps you up at night?” Soonyoung started playing with Jihoon’s fingers, and the latter stilled.

He went quiet, thinking of the perfect retort. _Anything but the truth_ , he told himself. He opened his mouth, only to clamp it shut – he couldn’t think of an excuse. Not even _school_ or _busy studying_ came up, knowing Soonyoung would easily see it as a lie.

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Your ugly face,” he joked. Not far enough from the truth, but not too close either.

Soonyoung’s face split into a grin. Jihoon tried pulling his hand away, but the former wasn’t having any of it. He held on tightly, and Jihoon melted into his palm.

“Same,” Soonyoung muttered.

Jihoon levelled a stare at him. “Really,” he said, hoping it sounded as indifferent as he wanted to be. In truth, his heart was going crazy and he could feel every beat of it pulsating through his veins.

Soonyoung nodded. “Yeah. You give me nightmares.”

Jihoon squeezed his hand tighter and tighter until Soonyoung gave in with a loud wince.

“Fuck off,” Jihoon breathed, but he was smiling.

And when Soonyoung’s pout curved into a grin, Jihoon felt as if he was looking into the sun.

 

 

 

The next time, another week later, Jihoon took them to an parking lot outside a supermarket. There were untouched cars in the distance, but the store windows were closed and the lights were off. They were completely alone under the flickering glow of a dozen lampposts.

Jihoon had pushed the driver and passenger seat back so they were flat for them to lie on. He didn’t have a sunroof, but neither of them had minded.

Staring at the roof, they talked about everything and anything, their hands finding each other in the dark. When Soonyoung held his hand, he was gentle and careful about it. Jihoon didn’t often enjoy skinship with their other friends, but he’d never minded it with Soonyoung; like this, he wanted more.

“You ever do anything else but sit in this car?” Soonyoung mumbled under his breath.

It wasn’t _that_ funny, but Jihoon found himself bursting into laughter. “I sit on my bed.”

Soonyoung slammed their joint hands down on the space between them, not taking it for an answer. “Do you do anything other than _sit_?”

“Occasionally, I lie down,” Jihoon replied breezily.

“Lazy,” Soonyoung said in mock exasperation. He turned his head, and Jihoon watched as his eyes widened in surprise. “You’ve been watching me all this time?”

Jihoon grinned at him. He hadn’t taken his eyes off the other boy since they parked and lay down, but he wasn’t going to confess all of that so easily. “There’s nothing else to fucking look at.”

“Perhaps I’m just incredibly charming and you couldn’t take your eyes off me,” Soonyoung said, laughing to himself.

Jihoon pretended to retch, but his laughter continued to shudder through him. “You’re a joke.”

“As long as you laugh,” Soonyoung whispered, face softening.

Jihoon’s breath caught. He opened his mouth to reply but then decided against it, turning his head towards the car roof. He could see Soonyoung watch him from the corner of his eye, the attention searing his skin.

“You make me laugh a lot,” Jihoon confessed, feeling his heart stumble in shock at his sudden openness.

Soonyoung was quiet for a moment. Then he squeezed their hands. “Yeah?”

Jihoon nodded, unable to meet his gaze. He squeezed back. “A lot.”

“I’m glad,” Soonyoung murmured. He paused. “Jihoon, I –“

“I want to like you, Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispered, interrupting him. The air in the car felt charged, as if something had shifted when Soonyoung made his heart skip a beat. He felt so vulnerable and raw, his thoughts and emotions pouring out of him. “I think I do. I think I really fucking like you, but I don’t like myself enough to let it become anything.”

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung started.

Jihoon shook his head. “I’ve seen the way you look at me, like I’m something worth looking at, or something like that. I know because it’s the same way I look at you. I don’t know why you do, but you _look at me_.”

He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths in and out, his heart shaking with the unexpected burst of bravery.

Soonyoung didn’t reply; he was stunned into silence. Jihoon could tell by the way he was holding their hands tight, as if he didn't want to let go. Neither of them did, just as neither of them knew what to do next.

So they lay there in the quiet, thoughts and hearts mulling feelings over. Jihoon had never felt so exposed before, but there was a part of him that wanted to break down his walls and reach out to Soonyoung.

Despite it all, things were changing – _he_ was changing. It was as if his heart and his mind were battling for two different things – one telling him he didn’t deserve this, the other telling him to let the other boy in – but he had no idea where it was going.

All he knew was that he wanted, more than anything else, to kiss Soonyoung.

 

 

 

Another week later saw them lose track of time outside the gates of their school.

Soonyoung had stayed behind after classes to study in the library until late. Jihoon had waited until he was done, not wanting to go back to his dorm and do the same.

“Think you’re ready for exams yet?” Soonyoung asked.

Jihoon had begun to notice he did this often, asking first. He was always the one to start the conversation. Jihoon’s replies were often short, but he prided himself in making them at least meaningful. It made him feel comfortable.  _Soonyoung_ made him feel so comfortable.

He still felt raw from last week, from stitching his heart onto his sleeve in the hope that he would make some progress with expressing himself.

The drive back to the dorms had been quiet, but it'd been a thoughtful silence. When he’d dropped off Soonyoung by his room, the latter’s fingers grazed his cheek before going inside, and Jihoon had let himself drown in the warmth of it. When he’d slept that night, it was to the memory of Soonyoung’s hands in his that chased him into his dreams.

“No, fuck that,” Jihoon answered, unbothered.

Exams were next month but students had started preparing for it already. He hadn’t seen Seungcheol or the others in a week, choosing only to go to music and the class he shared with Soonyoung, also skipping lunch to go home and sleep. But he knew that his friends were busy studying now. They were good at things like that, being organised and planning ahead.

He, however, preferred to spend his time either in his dorm or in his car, replaying moments shared between him and Soonyoung in his head. They kept him warm at night, and they woke him up to a brighter day.

As days passed, he found he was less angry - just hungry. He felt his reservations about himself become less like a chain around his neck, dragging him down whenever he thought of the other boy, and more like a tiny flame of hope blooming deep in his chest. It was difficult and different, but he wasn’t going to blow it out any time soon.

Soonyoung lifted his legs onto the dashboard. Jihoon narrowed his eyes at him, but Soonyoung met him with a raised eyebrow, daring him to say something.

He didn’t, because Soonyoung was perfect against the backdrop of his car. A shrine of perfection, Jihoon found himself thinking over and over again.

He was never going to be able to say no to him, he realised. Anything Soonyoung wanted, Jihoon knew he was always going to give. Because this was his religion now, this boy in his car, in the seat beside him, as if this was how it’s always been and how it should always be.

A boy-god gracing the temple Jihoon had made for him. He couldn’t believe it. Just looking at him now, Jihoon wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure he was real. 

So he did. He folded his legs under him and pushed his hands out of the sleeves of his jacket. Slowly, they came up to Soonyoung’s face.

Soonyoung stared at him expectantly, the slow burn of its intensity a scorching pit of lava in Jihoon’s stomach. The boy was smiling, and Jihoon wanted to bow down to it.

“I feel like you’re a dream,” Jihoon said, fingers grazing Soonyoung’s chin, his cheeks, the ridge of his lips. “If you are, it’s a wicked dream.”

“Lucky I’m real then,” Soonyoung breathed against his fingers.

“Real,” Jihoon echoed, his eyes following his fingers as he traced every line and curve of Soonyoung’s face. “I still don’t believe it.”

Soonyoung caught Jihoon’s fingers with his hand, bringing them to his lips. He kissed the pads of them, and Jihoon watched him do so with his breath stuck in his lungs. “The only wicked thing here is what you’re doing with yourself. Why do you never let yourself believe in the good things?”

Jihoon felt pained as he met Soonyoung’s questioning eyes. “Because,” he whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat, “I don’t deserve any of it.”

Soonyoung shook his head. “You’re stupid, Jihoon.”

“I know.” Jihoon reached out again, this time with both hands. Soonyoung’s hands come to rest on his wrists, guiding him closer. Jihoon pulled him close until their foreheads touched and he could count the hairs of Soonyoung’s eyelashes if he wanted to.

“You said you don’t like yourself,” Soonyoung muttered, his breath fanning Jihoon’s lips, “but I think there are a lot of things about you that's wonderful and you just don't see it. I’m infinitely enamoured by you, Jihoon. Give yourself a chance, okay? You deserve to give yourself a chance.”

One of Soonyoung’s hands gripped the back of Jihoon’s neck firmly. “You hear me? You deserve it all.”

Jihoon let his eyes close. He felt Soonyoung’s lips gently come down on his eyelids, painting the darkness of his vision with the colours of his smile. He breathed him in, revelling in the fresh scent of his washed uniform and the lingering hint of grease on his skin.

Jihoon took another deep breath in. When he let it go, he felt his heart open.

 

 

 

After exams were over, Jihoon took Soonyoung back on the road, taking his time rather than speeding through the journey.

Soonyoung had an arm slung over the back of Jihoon’s seat. Sometimes, his fingers would brush along the skin of his nape, playing with the short scruff of his hair, and Jihoon’s heart would threaten to give out on him.

“That’s the last time,” Jihoon warned. “Unless you want us to crash, stop.”

Soonyoung snickered, fingers never leaving Jihoon’s neck. If he was honest, the latter didn’t really want him to stop. “You'll be fine. Just keep your eyes on the road,” he said breezily.

Jihoon wanted to go somewhere new. He wanted to find an undiscovered spot and declare it as theirs.

“How’d you find today?” Soonyoung asked him as he turned left off the main road.

Jihoon frowned. “Don’t even want to think about it.”

“Typical,” Soonyoung muttered, chuckling to himself. “Where are we going this time?”

“Somewhere,” Jihoon answered, smiling at him from the side.

He only stopped when they reached a road with a dead-end. He turned the ignition off and angled himself to face Soonyoung completely, who did the same.

“Are you staying for the summer?”

Jihoon shrugged. “I have nowhere else to go.” He didn’t fancy going back to his mother, or spending any time with his father across the country. He didn’t fancy leaving the campus, even though he hated it. He sighed and cocked his head at the other boy. “What about you?”

“I’m going home for a week,” Soonyoung replied. “But I’m coming back.”

“Oh.” Jihoon hoped he didn’t sound _too_ excited. “Why’s that?”

Soonyoung shoved him playfully, dropping his hand on top of Jihoon’s after. “You’re so good at pretending you don’t know.”

Jihoon sighed, feigning vexation. “Let me live.”

“Alright, I guess I’ll tell you because you _don’t know_.” Soonyoung rolled his eyes. He beamed, his face brightening the dim confines of the car. “I’m coming back to keep you company.”

Jihoon blushed, looking away. “You don’t have to do that, you know."

“I want to,” Soonyoung insisted. After a beat, he winced and said, “Okay, also my parents are traveling for the summer and I don’t really fancy spending the entire break on my own.”

Jihoon’s expression was still until it broke into a grin, laughter following soon after. “Smooth,” he said. “Real smooth.”

“I try my best,” Soonyoung said proudly.

They smiled at each other like this for moment, the easiness of their conversation lulling them into a daze. Evening had set around them, hiding them in a dark blanket of stars. Soonyoung took to resting his head back on the seat, hands reaching out to trail along the dashboard. Jihoon just watched him, admiring the planes of his fingers, remembering the way his own fit between them.

“Soonyoung,” he muttered, feeling a familiar ache in his chest.

It was the only thing that kept him up at night now. It was his yearning. Unable to sleep, he would stay awake, thinking back to the feel of Soonyoung’s breath on his lips. They hadn’t had classes since exams started, but he had sat in the library pretending to study just to sit next to him. He'd even driven to the garage to keep Soonyoung company whenever his boss wasn’t around, just for a few minutes before driving back home.

But he was yearning, now more than ever.

“Yeah?” Soonyoung yawned into his hand before folding his arms behind his head.

Jihoon smiled as Soonyoung’s eyes closed lazily. “I like you a lot,” he breathed. “I like you too much.”

“That’s funny,” Soonyoung murmured, the smile on his face growing fast, “because I like you too.”

Jihoon’s heart threatened to burst at the seams. He was getting better at this, he thought. At opening up, at saying what he felt rather than just simply thinking it. He thought back to randomly messaging Soonyoung that day, weeks ago, and how he was grateful he had done so. Their drives had become a part of them, somewhere for the two of them to escape.

Jihoon had thought that things would change the moment they’d get out of the car the first time, but they didn’t. Instead, they grew.

And he did, too.

“We’ve never been just friends, have we?”

Soonyoung peeked one eye open, grinning at him. “Never,” he said. “We’ve always been pulled to each other like this.”

The warmth in Jihoon’s chest blossomed into a fire. It danced along his skin, clinging to his cheeks. He was blushing now, lost completely to the sight of Soonyoung smiling at him, his feet still up on his dashboard.

“I think I’m ready now,” Jihoon told him, the confession feeling like a weight lifting off his shoulder as it left him.

Soonyoung opened both his eyes, turning his head towards him. His mouth quirked. “Yeah?”

Slowly nodding, Jihoon inched closer sideways to the edge of his seat. Soonyoung met him easily, the space between them lessening as they drew their faces closer and closer. Soonyoung’s hand came up behind his neck, and Jihoon decided that he rather liked it there, pulling him in.

“I’d wait for you, regardless,” Soonyoung told him, his warmth breath kissing Jihoon’s cheeks. “You’re worth it.”

Jihoon’s hands cupped Soonyoung’s face. His skin was warm and soft in his palms. “It took me a while, but I’m ready to love you now.”

He had been thinking this over the past few weeks. Soonyoung had been right – that all he needed was to give himself a chance – just one, because it was all he had for himself – if he wanted to let him in.

There was nothing he wanted more than Soonyoung. He still felt undeserving of him, but he was willing to try, because this was something he was going to do for himself. This was a leap of faith, and he was taking it for himself.

This was him finding his own happiness. This was him letting go to let Soonyung in completely.

Soonyoung’s smile was wide against his lips when he leaned in – finally, _finally_ , Jihoon thought – and muttered, “You _love_ me?”

“Shut up,” Jihoon exhaled shakily. 

Soonyoung laughed, the sound of it echoing in Jihoon’s ears. "I love you too, Jihoon."

When their lips met, it was as if the universe had stopped at their feet just to restart itself to the beating of their hearts.

This was it, Jihoon thought. This was everything he'd ever wanted, and more.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i projected a bit of myself through jihoon here, but it was inevitable. good outlet though ;;  
> i'd also like to take the time to remind you that you are worth more than what your demons tell you. you will always be worth more. <3
> 
> thank you for reading! hit me up on twitter @JLHOOZI for more svt and fic shenanigans n_n


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